Back to the Happosai!

Bakku Tu Za Happōsai (バック·トゥ·ザ·八宝斉) is the 37th episode of Ranma ½ Nettohen.

Relation to the Previous Episode
None.

Outside the Tendo Dojo
Happosai has set himself up on a small blanket outside of the Tendo Dojo, gathering up all of the old junk and bric-a-brac from his horde of trash and trying to sell it. Things don't go so well for him; his first customers, a pair of kids, dismiss his offerings for the ancient trash it is, while a passing by elegant woman is disgusted at his efforts to entice her to shop there, especially when he leeringly declares he'll take underwear in lieu of cash. When Akane Tendo and Ranma Saotome exit the Tendo Dojo, they take a look, Ranma asking if Happosai is planning on selling some of those undies he's stolen - Happosai disdainfully sniffs he'd sooner part with one of his kidneys.

At that moment, Shampoo and Cologne arrive on the scene; as Shampoo happily explains, she and Cologne have come up with a new ramen recipe and they want Ranma and the others to be the first to try it. Ranma's initial enthusiasm gives way to wariness and he asks if Shampoo's put something in them - like more love potion. Unabashed, Shampoo declares that there's only ramen in the ramen this time, even as Cologne catches sight of Happosai's impromptu stall and notes it's full of junk. Wounded, Happosai begs them to stop denigrating the merchandise and just give him a chance, whereupon the two Joketsuzoku decide to humor him. As she looks, Shampoo spots an ancient hand mirror in surprisingly good condition, which she notes is a nice-looking antique and declares she'll buy it.

Startled, Happosai grabs it from her, openly wondering how it got into his junk drawer and that he'd thought it long gone. Shampoo offers him ten yen for it, whereupon Happosai declares his magic mirror is not for sale. All three of the teenagers repeat the phrase "magic mirror" in disbelief, Happosai declaring that he's been told it was once owned by Alexander the Great, who brought it along the Silk Road to Japan. Cologne sarcastically declares that Happosai will be telling them it was given to him next, to which Akane notes that it's beautiful wherever it came from and Ranma sarcastically wonders who Happosai stole it from.

Happosai tells Ranma to bite his tongue; it was a gift to him (Cologne declares she saw that coming) and says it happened when he was eighteen years old and travelling in China. Declaring himself to have been a handsome, bishonen man with blond hair, Happosai says that he met a beautiful girl in a small village and they fell in love, but his warrior heart had no time for romance. Sadly, he parted atop a magical flying cloud, the woman begging him to take the mirror as a way to remember her.

Snapping out of his memories, he is outraged to see the quartet are tucking into the ramen, even as they talk through full mouths that they're listening. Somewhat mollified, Happosai admits he never saw her again, before turning to the wall and tearfully declaring she must still be pining for him in her lonely spinsterhood, asking himself dramatically how he could have left her behind like that. This melodrama is met with laughter from all three teens, Shampoo declaring that even a pine tree wouldn't pine for the likes of Happosai, while Akane suggests that this "lost love" of his got over a "silly teen romance" and is now a plump old granny with dozens of grandkids running around her feet.

Insulted, Happosai spits that they have no romance in their soul, whereupon Cologne notes that they have a similar story in her village. This homely midget of a man came to the village and hit on every woman in the village, being violently rejected by all of them. He then plundered their valuables and headed for the hills like the thief he was. Happosai nervously asks what she means by thief, saying that the individual sounds more like an adventurer to him. Cologne harshly corrects him that he means a thief, and then lunges forth with a stab of her staff that Happosai narrowly evades, blowing a sizable hole clean through the wall behind him.

The sound of the destruction brings Soun and Genma out to investigate, even as Happosai tells Cologne to simmer down - she's acting like she's the one who got dumped! Cologne hisses at him to stop the nonsense and give back her mirror, her hair rising up and blowing around like in a gale. Dumbfounded, Happosai declares that it's not the mirror that's the antique here, it's her, the owner - frightened, he asks if she really is Cologne, to which she replies by calling him "Happy". Even as Soun and Genma laugh over the two names, and Shampoo asks if Ranma really didn't know her great-grandmother's name before now, Happosai shouts she could only have known that nickname if she is Cologne.

Shampoo asks why Cologne didn't mention their past relationship before, whereupon Cologne says it's not the kind of thing a person likes to dwell on, while Happosai snaps at Ranma to call it a mental block when he asks what the old pervert's excuse is. Bird-like, Happosai hops forward, asking if it's his fault he didn't recognize her, stating it was long ago... and then declaring who could have expected Cologne to grow into something so ugly. Melodramatically, he weeps over the tragedy... whereupon a tear falls onto the mirror, causing it to start flashing and glowing, an eerie light engulfing them all. Kasumi walks up to where everyone was a moment ago, declaring that it's time for lunch, but no one is there.

Arriving in the Past
When the light clears, they find themselves upon some plains outside of a small village, to the bemusement of everyone except Cologne. Mournfully, she proclaims that the power of the mirror is to open a place to the holder's "heart land", creating a window to wherever and whenever he or she wants to be, in response to having a tear shed upon it. They are now standing before the Amazon Village, somewhere around three hundred years ago.

This is met with excitement from the others, Ranma suggesting that if they've ended up here, they may as well look around, a sentiment that the other residents of the Tendo Dojo agree with. Any "vacation plans" they have in mind are lost when they see a pair of women from the village come running past, a small, homely man with black hair in a short topknot chasing after them and shouting he's promising them honest marriage. He leaps at one straggler, only for her to repel him with a Crane stance kick, sending him flying back to land painfully near the group of time travellers and running off while he recovers.

Happosai laughs at the "maroon", stating it serves him right, while Cologne glumly introduces them all to Happosai's younger self. The others look horrified/disgusted, while Happosai laughs it off and insists that the dwarf isn't his younger self, holding up a picture of his personalized vision of his younger self. Ranma promptly grabs this and tears it in half, asking if they look like they just fell off the turnip truck. While Happosai weeps that the blond bishonen is who he really was, Soun and Genma start whispering to themselves; they see some opportunity to payback.

As the frightened young Happosai backs away, they pounce on him and beat him into the ground, gloating above him about how they have finally "beaten the evil master". Unfortunately, they have forgotten that this pathetic creature isn't the Happosai they know and fear; the real evil master promptly floors them with a flying kick, scolding them for both the insult and the stupidity. Soun and Genma point out that they thought Happosai said this perverted midget wasn't his past self. Steaming, Happosai turns to his younger self and pulls him up by the collar, demanding to know why he's such a weakling - to his shock, the young Happosai simply calls him an old fart and demands to know what he has to teach him.

Insulted, Happosai proclaims those to be big words for an amateur, and then actually upbraids him for chasing after women that way, as it's bad for his moral character. His younger self shrugs off Happosai physically and verbally, then leaps at Akane, drool on his lips and asking how she'd feel about getting married. To nobody's surprise, she sends him flying with an uppercut, but everyone can only watch in disbelief as the livid Happosai drags his younger self off by the ear, proclaiming he's going to teach him the error of his evil ways.

Unnerved, the group heads into the village, Cologne pointing out the sights; in fact, they're right near the house where she grew up. They stop at a corner when Cologne catches sight of a girl who looks something like Shampoo with dark blue hair sweeping in front of a door. This, Cologne says, is her younger self. Ranma sarcastically suggests she try making her lies a little less obvious, to which Cologne merely calls out her own name as if trying to attract the stranger's attention. To the disbelief of everyone, the pretty young girl really is Cologne at the age of eighteen!

Outside of the village, Happosai dumps his younger self to the ground again, and demands he pick himself up and resume training. When the younger version of the grandmaster of Anything Goes Martial Arts begs that he's exhausted, Happosai can only sigh that he is pathetic and ask if he wants to end up a dirty old man. The young Happosai calls him an old fart again, asking what Happosai would know about youth, to which Happosai indignantly declares his younger self doesn't know anything about youth and what he says and does now will affect the rest of his life. The young Happosai merely gives his older self a flat stare, then asks him which he would prefer: a long training journey? Or stealing women's underwear? Then he asks which Happosai thinks is more fun: training so hard it seems like you're peering into the mouth of hell? Or looking at women in a bath? Happosai takes the perverted answer in both cases, then turns his back and admits he doesn't have anything to teach him. At that, his younger self hammers him into the ground and runs off, telling the "old fart" to go back where he came from.

Though her knack for speaking Japanese isn't any better than Shampoo's, the young Cologne brings them all in and offers them food, tea and sake, prompting Genma to note that she is a very charming hostess. After some light conversation, the younger Happosai pops up in the window, flirting with the younger Cologne, who tells him to go away. With the tenacity of his elder self, though, Happosai won't be discouraged, even suggesting it's a Chinese tradition of expressing affection when the young Cologne irritatedly tosses the contents of the tea pot into his face. Finally, Soun and Genma get up and chase the young pervert away, beaning him in the back of the head with a teacup even as he prophetically calls out to them that one day he'll be the one bullying them.

Akane notes the way that young Cologne watches this happen, and suggests she really does care about young Happosai after all. Young Cologne doesn't answer, instead asking them to enjoy the rice she's provided while she makes the main course. As she leaves, Akane excitedly proclaims that she knew she really cared about the little pervert, to which Shampoo questions the version of her great-grandmother from the present. Cologne simply states that she doesn't actually hate Happosai, if that's what they mean.

In a lonely, rickety hut on a nearby mountain, the two Happosais sit in its small, single room, the elder wolfing down rice from a bowl while the younger lies on a bed. The Happosai from the present declares he wishes he could say he was suprised by the story his counterpart told him, then changes his tune and says he's already promised to help before asking for more rice. The Happosai from the past bluntly tells his future self that he's just eaten the last of it, then gets up and heads to the door when he hears somebody knocking. He finds nobody there, but a small leaf bundle on the ground turns out to be full of pork buns, which he takes inside and shares with his other self as the past Cologne watches from a hidden spot around the hut. As she turns and runs back to the village, Akane and Shampoo pop out of hiding from behind a nearby boulder, suggesting to each other that they should try and get her together with the young Happosai, given how they seem to care for each other.

The Plan's are Made
Once the young Happosai has finished his meal, he declares it to be time to inventory his collection. Shocked, Happosai watches as his younger self unlatches a chest full of women's underwear and starts rubbing them against his face, angrily snapping at Happosai to back away. Horror written on his face, Happosai asks himself: if he was this much of a pervert at eighteen... then what does that make him now?! To his younger self's dismay and confusion, Happosai steals some of the choicer bras and demands he follow him for some training, lambasting the younger Happosai over how his perversity has caused women to think the older Happosai is a freak. At that, a paper airplane suddenly comes to a landing against the young Happosai's face, unfolding to reveal Japanese characters that proclaim it to be an invitation from Cologne to meet her at a local lake.

At the same time, back at Cologne's house, the same scene is happening, with Akane and Shampoo encouraging the young Cologne to go and meet the young Happosai, but she refuses, insisting that she doesn't actually like him. Akane asks why she can't be honest about how her feelings, and young Cologne mocks her to be honest about where the letter came from in the first place; as she explains, she's perfectly aware that Happosai can't write in Chinese, yet the letter is impeccably written in her own native tongue. Sadly, she heads out of the house to clear her head, while Shampoo and Akane mope over their plan being a bust. Ranma scolds them about possibly causing some sort of time paradox, and then declares it would have happened "the first time around" if it was meant to be. To his surprise, the two arch-enemies continue their bonding by agreeing with each other that memories of love are a treasure that a woman can hold close to her heart all of her life.

To their surprise and shock, the old Cologne sheepishly heads off to the meeting place, declaring that if her younger self won't go, maybe she should. Unable to resist, Shampoo and Akane sneak after her, watching as she shyly hides herself behind a tree and comes out in response to a touch on the hand... only to find herself staring into the lecherously grinning face of the present era Happosai, to their mutual disgust.

Back in the village, the young Happosai runs through the streets, cursing his future self for trying to take his place, then screeching to a halt as a realisation hits him: as far as he knows, Cologne can't write in Japanese. So who sent him the letter? He doesn't have long to ponder it, though; he is the most hated person in the village, and when some of the villagers see him, they give chase.

Though he escapes them, they wander by Cologne's place, talking about their vengeful plans for him. Cologne promptly stops sweeping and heads inside, taking a small ornate box from hiding and opening it to reveal the same magical mirror that brought Ranma and the others to this point in time. Ranma asks what she's going to do with it, and she explains that if she sells this antique treasure of her family, it should be able to pay for all the vegetables and underwear that Happosai has stolen.

Ranma is dumbstruck that she would make a sacrifice like that for the little pervert, whereupon she declares that there's more to him than just being a lecherous thief. She tells him the story of how they first met; finding Happosai, beaten and exhausted and at the end of his strength, but his sole concern was for a battered toy bird that he had, in his wretched state, mistaken for a real bird that was injured. She shows Ranma that she still has the toy, insisting that Happosai really does have a good, kind heart deep down when Ranma evidences skepticism. Confused, Ranma asks why she doesn't admit to him that she does care for him if that's the way she feels, whereupon she explains that Happosai is training to be a great martial artist; he has no time for her.

As she says that, the Happosai of her era comes barging in, declaring he knew that letter had to be a fake and accusing her of sending him on a wild goose-chase to flirt with Ranma. He then increases his error by calling Ranma out with accusations of cowardice. When the flinty-eyed Akane and Shampoo arrive, disdainfully escorting the Happosai and Cologne of the present era, they arrive to see Ranma effortlessly and brutally dispatching the past Happosai, whereupon the outraged past Cologne knocks Ranma from the sky with a hurled jar to the face. Teary-eyed, the two call each other's names and start running towards each other, ready to embrace... but Happosai, no matter when or where he is, will always be Happosai.

At the last moment, he goes leaping over Cologne to try and glomp onto another Chinese Amazon, who kicks him right back the way he came. He then has the audacity to look up at the hurt, outraged Cologne and swear she's really the only one for him. The others can only watch and wince as the young Cologne promptly starts beating the young Happosai up and down the street, having finally realised that he truly is just what all her fellows claim he is.

That evening, as the sun sets, the group of time travellers watch from a nearby ledge as a battered young Happosai, a huge sack on his back bulging with stolen goods, flees a small army of furious Joketsuzoku, the young Cologne at the head of the pack screaming for him to give back her magic mirror. As they disappear into the horizons, the elderly Happosai expresses no guilt over his actions; even when the others all scold him for being a rotten, perverted little thief, he simply accuses them of all picking on him and starts crying, wailing that he wants to go home.

Back to Modern Day
Once the mirror has returned them to their proper place in time, Cologne grabs the mirror back from Happosai, who immediately starts trying to snatch it back. Ranma asks disbelievingly if Happosai doesn't ever learn from his past mistakes, whereupon Soun asks why Ranma didn't use the fact they were at the Amazon Village to slip off to Jusenkyo and get cured, which sends Ranma diving into the melee. Exhausted, Shampoo asks why this sort of thing always has to happen, mere moments before the mirror falls out of Cologne's hand... and right under the foot of Nabiki, who doesn't even realise what she's just broken as she comes onto the scene.

Trivia

 * This story includes the scene that, in the manga version of All It Takes is One! The Kiss of Love is the Kiss of Death, revealed Cologne's name to the main cast.
 * This episode makes it canonical for the anime that Happosai in his youth was still an ugly, perverted little dwarf, while Cologne was actually a beautiful, Shampoo-like maiden.
 * Whereas Shampoo's hair is portrayed alternatively as blue, purple or a shade in-between, the young Cologne's hair is portrayed as a very dark blue, almost navy. Young Cologne's eyes are also a sparkling light green color, while Shampoo's seem to be red (brown in some episodes).
 * When Ranma accuses Shampoo of spiking the ramen, it's most directly a reference to the hypnotic mushroom from Sneeze Me, Squeeze Me, Please Me! Shampoo's Recipe For Disaster, but it's also an indirect reference to the love-pill bracelet from All It Takes is One! The Kiss of Love is the Kiss of Death.
 * In the dub, Happosai proclaims that Cologne grew up to look like the Crypt Keeper, the withered zombie host of a series of horror comics and TV shows called "Tales from the Crypt".
 * According to the subtitles, the local lake that the young Happosai and Cologne are supposed to meet at is called "Egg Foo Yong Lake".
 * This is not the first episode in which Cologne has displayed the ability to make her hair stand on end as opposed to showing off her battle aura, but it is the first episode to show it as a skill she's had since she was a teenager.